"Our values just don't align"—chances are, you've said or thought this at some point.
Work approaches, spending habits, how we use time, how we interact with others. We constantly navigate relationships with people who have different values.
Values differences are inevitable, but whether they become sources of stress or opportunities for growth depends on how we perceive them.
When Values Clash
Values Differences at Work
The workplace may be where most people experience values conflicts.
- Different views on work-life balance
- "Efficiency first" vs. "Quality over speed"
- Team players vs. independent workers
- Those who embrace change vs. those who prefer stability
Values Differences with Friends
- Spending habits (savers vs. spenders)
- How to spend weekends (active vs. relaxed)
- Social media usage
- Views on future planning
Values Differences with Family
- Career perspectives
- Views on marriage and parenting
- Lifestyle choices
- Generational value gaps
Why Values Differences Cause Stress
1. Feeling Threatened
Values are core to our identity. Encountering different values can unconsciously make us feel like our way of life is being challenged or rejected.
2. The Need to Be "Right"
We naturally want to believe our beliefs are correct. When we meet someone with different values, we may feel compelled to prove that "they're wrong."
3. Uncertainty and Anxiety
People with different values can be harder to predict, and this unpredictability can create stress and discomfort.
"You cannot change others. You can only change yourself." —Alfred Adler
7 Strategies for Dealing with Values Differences
1. Don't Confuse "Different" with "Wrong"
This is the most important mindset shift. Different values don't mean someone is wrong.
If you think "they're too focused on efficiency," they might see you as "too caught up in details." Both perspectives come from valid value systems.
Practice: When someone's behavior irritates you, reframe it as "This person values [X]."
2. Find Common Ground
Even with the most different people, you'll share something. Surface-level conflicts often hide deeper value alignment.
Example: "Someone who works overtime" and "someone who leaves on time" may seem opposed, but both might share the value of "doing good work"—just with different approaches.
Practice: With someone you're in conflict with, consider what deeper values you might share.
3. Approach with Curiosity
Rather than criticizing, try to understand why someone holds their values. Be curious, not judgmental.
People's values are shaped by life experiences, upbringing, and the people they've met. Understanding this background can deepen your understanding.
Practice: Ask with genuine interest, "What led you to see things that way?"
4. Set Boundaries
Understanding someone's values doesn't mean accepting everything. You don't need to sacrifice your own values to accommodate others.
Clarify what you can tolerate and what you won't compromise on.
Practice: List your non-negotiable values.
5. Adjust Your Distance
Not every relationship needs to be deep. With people whose values significantly differ, maintaining appropriate distance is a valid choice.
- Colleagues: Keep it professional
- Friends: Adjust how often you meet
- Family: Choose topics carefully, consider living separately
Creating distance isn't ending a relationship. It's finding a comfortable space for both parties.
6. Don't Impose Your Values
Trying to change someone else's values rarely works and often damages relationships. For more on this, see "How to Stop Imposing Your Values."
Only give advice when asked, and avoid presenting your values as "the right answer."
Practice: Replace "You should..." or "The right thing is..." with "I think..." or "In my experience..."
7. Learn from Differences
People with different values can offer new perspectives you've never considered.
Asking "What can I learn from this person's values?" transforms stress into growth opportunity.
"Disagreements are chances to deepen understanding." —Dale Carnegie
Communication Across Value Differences
Use "I" Statements
Instead of "You are..." use "I feel..." as your subject.
- Not: "You're always late"
- Better: "I value sticking to schedules"
Separate Behavior from Character
Discuss specific actions rather than attacking someone's character.
- Not: "You're irresponsible"
- Better: "I'd like to discuss how we handled this situation"
Find Solutions Together
When values differences create problems, look for a third option that respects both perspectives rather than having one person give in.
When Differences Are Irreconcilable
How you handle truly incompatible relationships depends on how important that relationship is to your life.
Weigh the Benefits
- What do you gain from this relationship?
- What does it cost (emotional energy, etc.)?
- Do benefits outweigh costs?
Ending a Relationship Is Valid
You don't have to maintain every relationship. Stepping back from or ending relationships that significantly harm your values or drain you emotionally can be healthy.
For relationships you can't easily leave—work or family—combine the strategies above while finding ways to protect yourself.
Understanding Your Own Values First
To handle values differences with others, you first need to clearly understand your own values.
Knowing "what matters to me" and "why it matters" helps you become more tolerant of others' different values. A strong personal foundation means others' values won't shake you as much. For practical methods, see "How to Know Your Values."
Deepen Self-Understanding with Soul Compass
Soul Compass is an app that deepens self-understanding through daily reflection questions. Clarify your values and develop the ability to accept differences with others.
Through daily introspection, gain deeper understanding of your own values and reduce relationship stress.